Monday, 29 December 2008

Bill Maher's final comment from Religulous

Just saw Religulous... terrific film! 5 Stars! Laugh out loud funny with tons of great points made in a very straightforward and intelligent way. Highly recommended!

Do you think Jesus is real?

Do you really think that Jesus is real? How real is he? Is he as real as anything else one might call real - for example something real we all know like... water?

Water is real. Here are some basic facts about water... Water has three states: solid, liquid and gaseous. Water freezes in to a solid at zero degrees Celsius and has a boiling point of 100 degrees Celsius. It is a liquid between 1 to 99 degrees Celsius.

There. Now you have heard some facts about water. We are able to call them facts because these claims about water can be made by one person and then tested by other people around the world who will be able to confirm these claims. If they were unable to confirm these claims, then they would not be facts.

Do you understand what a fact is now? Great! 

Here is your challenge... tell me just one fact about Jesus.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Yes! Yes! Yes!

A majority of Californians voted yes on Prop 8 to overturn a court ruling that briefly gave gay couples the right to wed, thereby writing discrimination in to the state constitution.

Most of the funds for the campaign in support of this were funnelled through the Church Of Latter Day Saint's (a.k.a. Mormons) and The Knights Of Columbus (a.k.a. Catholics).

This is nasty, ugly, mean spirited religious bigotry at its worst and an attack on all of our civil rights.

What a bunch of pricks.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Speaking of pricks...

Did Jesus Christ ever have an erection?

What th' ?!!

Hey... calm down. It's normal. It's healthy. It's utterly human for any male - young and old alike.

If Jesus, a healthy young man, never had an erection, then we can only conclude that something must have been somehow terribly wrong with his plumbing. Surely this lack of function would point towards the imperfection of the most perfect (probably mythological) man who ever lived?

On to the next sticky subject. How about ejaculation?

OK... I can buy that during his life, he may have never had the opportunity, or even the inclination to have sex with another person. That's his story anyways. Sure, it does make his lifestyle choices suspect. Unmarried man in his 30's, spends his time almost exclusively with a dozen other men - back in those days?! Hmm... It's a little out of the ordinary. People would talk - but I digress. 

How about nocturnal emissions? Masturbation? What about the lost years all alone out there in the wilderness where nobody could ever see him? Did the Son of God never have the temptation to crack out a crafty one?

OK... maybe an even bigger question at the root of all this is: did Jesus have his own holy trinity of a cock and two balls? I should hope so. Weird if he didn't (even weirder if nobody had mentioned it after all this time).

Assuming he did indeed come with the full compliment of wedding tackle, how did he measure up? Was it a "Bow Down Before Me" Almighty Leviathan Cock? Was it a meek and humble tiny gherkin-like winkle or was it an utterly and unremarkably average human penis?

Did his God Gonads, his Sinless Sacks, his Numinous Nuts then go on to produce literally millions of sperm every day? If so... what became of all this sacred spunk?

It's normal. It's healthy. Medically speaking, it would surely be cause for concern if any adult male made it in to his 30's without ever ejaculating even a single time.

So, I want to know... no disrespect or nothin', but... did Jesus ever have a hard on and did he ever cum?

Why is this important? I want to know if Christians believe he really was human.

Thank you. Next week... pious poo.

Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Gentle Jesus?

Jesus explains to us why he speaks in parables. Why... it's to confuse people so they will go to Hell, of course!

Mark 4:11-12
And he said unto them, Unto you it is given to know the mystery of the kingdom of God: but unto them that are without, all these things are done in parables:

That seeing they may see, and not perceive; and hearing they may hear, and not understand; lest at any time they should be converted, and their sins should be forgiven them.

Jesus Christ... what a prick.

Thursday, 21 August 2008


Almost without fail, Christians are profoundly impressed and moved by the sacrifice Jesus made for them so that they might know salvation. "Jesus suffered and died for our sins!" they will proclaim with fervent conviction.

The way I see it, simulating suffering, pretending to die and then whisking oneself off to paradise to rule the universe does not really qualify as sacrifice per se.

Jesus Christ... what a prick!

Sunday, 13 July 2008

Jesus Christ Is A Prick

If you are a Christian, you worship a mean, vindictive, sadistic torture obsessed prick!

Think about it... Jesus Christ can not get enough of the torture. According to Jesus, if you don't love him and accept him as your lord and saviour... he will torture you in Hell.

But it's not just any torture. Nope. It's a torture more horrific sick and twisted beyond what any human mind could possibly imagine. Great!

But wait... it's not just that it's an unimaginably horrific sick and twisted torture. Nope. He tortures people forever and ever! As far  as Jesus is concerned... too much torture is never enough! He will never stop. Not ever. Talk about commitment! When the last star in the heavens has burnt out, Jesus will still be there, torturing just as enthusiastically as he did on that day the first unfortunate soul came his way. Jesus Christ is like an omnipotent Duracell Bunny of vicious oppressors!

As soon as you die, Jesus gets down to business,. Your consciousness will be sustained so that, rather than be laid to rest, you may know torture beyond anything ever conceived for all of eternity. Jesus - the sadistic prick - will torture you forever with no end to the pain and suffering (and gnashing of teeth... don't forget the gnashing of teeth!). He will never stop.

In Hell, there is no possibility of suspension of sentence. No parole. No time off for good behaviour. No visits from the Red Cross or Amnesty International. Jesus has no goals of rehabilitation or coercion or even information extraction - and he definitely has no appeals process. It would seem, this torture in Hell serves no purpose other than to satisfy Christ's unquenchable sadistic nature.

This sick twisted Jesus guy makes Torquemada look like Julie Andrews!

And don't give me any of that rubbish about "Jesus is love" and all that "gentle Jesus meek and mild" baloney! There is no getting around the fact that he is one monumentally sick malevolent jerk no matter what else he says or does. It's like hearing about some guy that does a lot of wonderful work for charity but turns out to be a serial baby rapist. You're just not going to sing that guys praises no matter how much time he put in at the homeless shelter.

If you are a Christian, you worship a sadistic prick who tortures people in the most gruesome possible ways and never, ever stops - even though presumably he could. After all, he is God and he can do anything... right?!

Thankfully, I don't think any of this is real. I don't believe in Jesus or any of the reprehensible concepts he stands for. Why? I'm afraid that there just isn't enough evidence to convince me of his existence. If someone someday could provide me with enough evidence for the existence of Jesus I would be happy to believe in him, however, I wouldn't worship him because  Jesus Christ is a prick.