Thursday, 23 October 2008

Speaking of pricks...

Did Jesus Christ ever have an erection?

What th' ?!!

Hey... calm down. It's normal. It's healthy. It's utterly human for any male - young and old alike.

If Jesus, a healthy young man, never had an erection, then we can only conclude that something must have been somehow terribly wrong with his plumbing. Surely this lack of function would point towards the imperfection of the most perfect (probably mythological) man who ever lived?

On to the next sticky subject. How about ejaculation?

OK... I can buy that during his life, he may have never had the opportunity, or even the inclination to have sex with another person. That's his story anyways. Sure, it does make his lifestyle choices suspect. Unmarried man in his 30's, spends his time almost exclusively with a dozen other men - back in those days?! Hmm... It's a little out of the ordinary. People would talk - but I digress. 

How about nocturnal emissions? Masturbation? What about the lost years all alone out there in the wilderness where nobody could ever see him? Did the Son of God never have the temptation to crack out a crafty one?

OK... maybe an even bigger question at the root of all this is: did Jesus have his own holy trinity of a cock and two balls? I should hope so. Weird if he didn't (even weirder if nobody had mentioned it after all this time).

Assuming he did indeed come with the full compliment of wedding tackle, how did he measure up? Was it a "Bow Down Before Me" Almighty Leviathan Cock? Was it a meek and humble tiny gherkin-like winkle or was it an utterly and unremarkably average human penis?

Did his God Gonads, his Sinless Sacks, his Numinous Nuts then go on to produce literally millions of sperm every day? If so... what became of all this sacred spunk?

It's normal. It's healthy. Medically speaking, it would surely be cause for concern if any adult male made it in to his 30's without ever ejaculating even a single time.

So, I want to know... no disrespect or nothin', but... did Jesus ever have a hard on and did he ever cum?

Why is this important? I want to know if Christians believe he really was human.

Thank you. Next week... pious poo.

1 comment:

john evans said...

Hey Joe,
Like the way you approach your criticisms. Great stuff!
You familiar with the great freethinkers around the turn of the century? Robert Ingersoll, Joseph Lewis, M.M. Mangasarian, Twain, etc? If not I think you would really enjoy them-